Madder and badder than the 15th

Tuesday, 27 December 2005

Intelligent Design

If Intelligent Design is the answer then why do men have nipples?

Thursday, 8 December 2005

Curly Qwestions answered

My Brother, The Ayatollaha Bozorgtarine answered these conundra*

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Answer: Cos some times it does work, honest!

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Answer: Cos they are cold hearted bastards and its just a way of really rubbing it in that they have $Billions and you now have LESS THAN Fuck All

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Answer: It relates directly to the expenditure of energy required to challenge your assertion! No one has the time to count up to 4 billion, and there is no way to prove it. On the other hand ( which now has paint on it) The simple gestureof touching it proves or disproves your theory regarding the wetnesss of the paint in question.

Have you tried the same trick with Super Glue. That is : Smear Super Glue on a painted surface and tell someone it is wet paint. This can be a source of humour for ages or at least until the Fire department arrives.

This also work with the office toilet seat but due to the biological imperative of bowel function, no further incentive is required to induce a person to make contact with that surface.

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
The real answer is that the glue requires contact with air to complete its progress to the stage of "sticking".
A better answer is : Who actually gives a toss as long as it works on the office toilet seat..

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Oh Oh another one ! The real answer is that the needles are new in each case and not re-sterilised (which is the inference implicit here). Would you suggest that to save costs the State could simply re-use the same old blunt syringe time and again. I guess if it got too blunt to penetrate the vein a prison guard could rub it up and down on the concrete floor to hone the edge a bit.

Or, It could be that they want to demonstrate their moral bona fides while committing State sanctioned murder.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Cos Cheetah kept complaining of stubble rash when they kiss!

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Cos he would look stupid with a blood nose! and the blood might mess up the logo on his suit

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
So they wont bump their heads.

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
Some stupid sucker slips essess inside sentences and words surreptiously.

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
And what makes you think WE are not STILL apes?
Just like there are Chimpanzees, Gorillas,Orang Utang and many other "apes" They too evolved and, like us, are STILL evolving. We are one kind of anthropoid among many.
In the same way that birds probably evolved from dinosaurs and other reptiles, so did Crocodiles and Lizards and snakes evolve from Dinosaurs.. Each has taken a different evolutionary path.

If you dont believe me have a good look at your neighbours ! or Rugby Players! However if your neighbour is a rugby player you probably already know this.

(Benedict: Just wait a little bit and there won't be any more apes, and the question will become irrelevant)

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Huh! My Bubble Bath is Pink!

Alternative answer: Cos Michael Jackson has been sending his Chimp to the cosmetic surgeon for skin bleaching.

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
I am not sure about the answer to this one. I will have to sleep on it !

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

You are obviously not a Bloke! Whenever a Bloke goes to the Fridge and then says "what happened to the Chinese Take-away from last night ?", the smart arse female of the household returns to the Fridge with said Bloke in tow - opens the Fridge and voila! The Chinese Take away magically appears. This system is also known to work with socks, jocks and car keys!

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Whats a vacuum cleaner?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

Cos its the wrong end ? If I have this problem I just employ my Teeth on that sucker! But sometimes if the bag does have an opening at the other end from the one you are masticating on, dire consequences may follow. If the item in the plastic bag is an item of food - then Sods Law applies. (See below concerning falling objects)

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Hmmm! That is a curly one! Perhaps they died 'cos they couldn't get out. Either that or it could be an example of phenomena such as spontaneous transmogrification of objects from inanimate to animate and then Parthenogenesis.

( Benedict: 'cos they go in really small, grow a bit, get cooked when the light turns on)

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Cos they are armed with a trolley and have demonstrated that they are prepared to use it WITHOUT provocation. Imagine what they might do after you PROVOKE them!

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Its called "Sods Law". Similar to its Irish counterpart "Murpys Law". For example: Sods Law states that whenever a piece bread and jam falls it will invariably land jam side down. Also see previous question on plastic bags.

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Dont worry it will all sort itself out. With all the energy we are consuming on air conditioning, Global Warming followed by a Third Ice Age are not far way

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
I dont know about that. I hear my father in law joking all the time! In fact some folks less generous than I might suggest that my father in law is a joke!

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

"The whole world is mad except Thee and Me, and even Thee is a little mad!" - Traditional-anonymous
"There's nothing wrong with me, there must be something wrong with you !" - The Audreys

Benedict XVI

* So What is the plural of Conundrum then?