Madder and badder than the 15th

Friday, 3 February 2006

This is for Innana



Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"


At 03 February, 2006 18:24, Blogger Foilwoman said...

If round is a shape we want to be in, the the GaahGirl (spherical) is in the best shape ever. She has chubby dimpled knees and elbows. Braceletted chubby wrists and ankles. She's the princess of chub. And pretty much one of the most beautiful females on the planet (along with the Foilkid). Of course, she likes vigorous exercise too. It's fun to throw Mama's glasses across the room, upend the sofa, and lift all the books off the shelf. Yup. So aside from the overexercising thing, she's living proof of what that doctor says. (Finally got profile pic to work, as you can see.)

At 06 February, 2006 16:59, Blogger Innana1 said...

It took a long time saying, but it needed to be said!

Thank you, your Holiness, and I am assuming the doctrine of infallibility applies here?

At 17 February, 2006 04:41, Blogger Chade said...

I have always believed in the motto: "Excess is never excessive enough." Now the truth has come, no more restraining myself from the oral pleasuring of foods and beverages. Nay, today shall be called 'The great Indulgence', or friday to everyone else who chooses not to indulge.

At 22 February, 2006 16:17, Blogger Kyaroko said...

I think Dave Barry may have written these, or at least published them at one point. I remember reading them years ago. I'm a big fan of naps myself.


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