Benedict16th

Madder and badder than the 15th

Wednesday, 31 August 2005

How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?

It started as "How many Christians..."

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?


and then I thought of a couple of more


Zen Buddhists: Fish
Athiests: None - it's all dark


then some more gleaned from the 'net...

Q: HOW MANY ZEN BUDDHISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Three. One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change the lightbulb.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.
A: A tree in a golden forest.
A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen
answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
A: None. Zen masters carry their own light.
A: Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the novice.


Q: How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!"

Q: How many Hindus does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to do the puja.
Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.

Q: How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. If the lightbulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and it
would be blasphemy to attempt to change it.

Q: How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 300 million --- one to take out the old one, the rest to look for
Salman Rushdie in the dark.

Q: How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.

A: Nine, one to do it and the other eight to find a leg for him to stand on.

Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two - one to screw it in, and another to repent.
A: Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old
bulb last rites.
A: They don't. It's been like that for 2000 years and there's no precedent
for lightbulb changing.

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.

Anglicans:
Light-bulb changing is placed on the agenda of the National Synod, where
much heat is generated (no light --- the bulb needs changing) in discussion
of the sex and status of light-bulb changers. The anglo-catholics insist
that God has devolved the sacramental office of light-provider (see Genesis
1) onto the ordained male priests of His Church. The evangelicals from the
diocese of Sydney agree that light-bulb changing is the proper province of
males, since the Bible states that not a few virgins (female) allowed
their lamps to go out, thus proving that women can't be trusted in the
realm of illumination. However, they disagree about the exclusion of male
laiety, arguing that since lay-persons are allowed to mend fuses, a
function closely related to the provision of light, there is no reason why
they shouldn't go the whole hog and change the bulb as well.

AWFUL (Anglican Women For Unlimited Light) demonstrates outside the
building, and the debate makes the national daily papers.

Some pragmatists occupying the middle ground suggest that the changing of
light-bulbs is so urgent and time-consuming, and the arguments of the two
factions so debatable, that as an interim measure lay-persons, perhaps
including women, should be permitted to change light-bulbs under the
supervision of a male priest, while the issue is referred to a committee to
report the following year. This is tabled as a motion; however a cautious
evangelical proposes an ammendment to the effect that no light-bulbs shall
be changed until the committee has reported. The ammendment is passed;
the motion as ammended is passed.

The committee never reports, as it meets at night in a church hall
with a faulty light-bulb.

Meanwhile AWFUL and various altar guilds, church cleaners and
Anglican women's groups around the country separately set about laying in
stocks of candles and lighting them wherever needed.

Then the day was saved when a servant-evangelism group from a local
evangelical church showed up while on a light-bulb-changing outreach
project and changed it for them...


Q: How many Politically Correct Clergy does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Politically Correct Clergy do not change light bulbs. They ban
light bulb jokes.

Q: How many Mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six, one to screw it in and the other five to serve refreshments.

Q: How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Don't know - I didn't let them in to find out.
A: None. There is no point trying to change anything now. God will be
replacing the whole house real soon, but nobody knows quite when.

Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to
go back on.

How many Druids does it take to change a lightbulb?
501. One to change the bulb and 500 to align the new stone.

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you want it changed into?

How many toads does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, if you can remember which one used to be the electrician.


How many Frost "School of Wicca" witches does it take to change a light bulb?

"Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our complete "Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course" with real knowledge that you can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYwhere! Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin who..."

How many Wiccans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Four. One for each direction.


How many Asatruars does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The light from the burning monastery is sufficient, thank you.


How many Pagans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that lightbulbs never burned out before those damned Christains came along.


How many lesbian feminist Dianic Wiccans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, and it's NOT FUNNY!!!

How many Alexandrians does it take to change a light bulb?
Thirteen; a High Priestess to change the bulb, and 12 coven members to hold her up under all that jewelry!


and on a similar theme (also stolen from the web)

How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a hell of a lot of light bulbs.

How many Taurus does it take to change a light bulb?
What, me move?

How many Gemini does it take to change a light bulb?
2

How many Cancer does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to bring his mother.

How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.

How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and two engineers to check the work.

How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.

How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They LIKE the dark.

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.

How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
The light's fine as it is.

How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?

How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?

4 Comments:

At 31 August, 2005 18:53, Blogger Foilwoman said...

You sacriligious Australian Pope, you. Keep this up and I'm flying there for the birthday party. Providing I can con Qantas into giving me comp tickets.

 
At 01 September, 2005 01:02, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's alright - unless the Catholics happen to be right I'm gonna end up in Hell anyway.

If anyone could squeeze something out of a tight-***ed company like them it would be you!

- Benny (At work)

 
At 28 September, 2005 14:52, Blogger artie said...

I loved this collection of truth and silliness. Thorough research on a topic is greatly appreciated in an age of shortcuts.

I forwarded it to a friend who is a liturgical artist for a catholic school. He printed it out so he could read it to the congregation of catholics with a sense of humor.

Wish I could have been there.

 
At 04 November, 2009 19:14, Blogger Mark said...

That's NOT FUNNY!!! Goddess bless us all!

 

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