Benedict16th

Scientific Advancement

2008-11-30T03:16:00.003+01:00

At least it may make you think?

Eulogy for Fred

2008-08-06T15:33:00.004+02:00

Eulogy for Fred
By his wife "D" at the Semaphore Worker's club

A Gypsy once told Fred that he would die when he was 27. Instead, he seemingly, dodged his destiny when he sailed to Australia, landed at Outer Harbor in February 1958 had his 27th birthday in June of that year. He then lived on for another 5 decades.

We were £10 tourists, Pommy bastards to some Australian, sometimes said affectionately, sometimes not. They also called us the great unwashed because they thought we didn't take enough baths. We were never whinging Poms though. Despite homesickness and setbacks we were here to stay. Fred's first job was working for a Ukrainian family who owned a butcher's shop near the migrant hostel. The old man told Fred, at the end of his first week that he wouldn't be paying the full wage because he didn't have Australian credentials. Fred brought in the union. The old man promptly sacked him. A skilled tradesman who had managed butcher's shops in England since he was 20. Sacked! Fred was mortified. The union advised him to work his notice and then they would throw the book at the old man. But then the old lady got into the act and started spitting in his face and waiving knives at him. Fred thought the next step might lead to them digging a big hole in the back yard. So he walked out and got a job in the Port, where he found himself among mates, the shop manager was so indignant at his treatment he practically gave him a job on the spot.

We were still on the hostel and not too happy with the accommodation when a job was advertised, with a house, in Barmera, in the Riverland.

Travelling there by bus was a real eye-opener. It looked like cowboy country to us. The manager of the butcher's shop gave us a bed the first night and it didn't inspire confidence when, sleeping in the son's room we saw a jar of picked snakes on top of the wardrobe.

In Barmera, Fred worked not only as a butcher but as a casual bar-hand at the pub and a weekend grape picker during the season. Sticky work. He came home looking like the creature from the swamp covered in red dust and grape juice.

Eventually we moved back to the city and Fred managed several butcher's in the suburbs. His customers were his friends, he'd joke with them, and give their kids a piece of fritz and bring home stories of some of the odder ones.

In the 70's we sold our house in Modbury and took off, in the caravan, to travel around and see something of Australia. After nearly a year we returned and Fred fulfilled a long held wish. He bought his own business. The shop was in Elizabeth North and many of his customers were typical Aussie battlers, migrants and pensioners. The pensioners liked their "lovely butcher" who would serve them just one chop, or a couple of eggs and a bacon rasher. No amount was too small. "You're all customers" he'd say.
Old Jock a garrulous Scotsman liked to drop in for a yarn, which was alright until he brought his bottle of whisky in with him.
Occasionally someone would try to take advantage of Fred's good nature. One couple bought a cheap side of lamb from the market and then brought it in to the shop and asked Fred to cut it up for them. And he did "Just this once" he said.
A man brought his cat around for Fred to de-sex. It was a fully grown Tom-cat too. He opted out of that one.

We left Elizabeth, the shop and the customers, reluctantly, when Fred's health deteriorated. He eventually had to have an aortic aneurysm repair. We moved to Semaphore. Semaphore was our kind of place. Working class values, labour voters, more eccentric "characters" than you could poke a stick at. Great old pubs, where you could have great old sing songs and good homely meals and most importantly, particularly for Fred close proximity to the beach. He loved walking along the beach, sometimes for hours. He was great walker.

He'd take his campervan and his bottle of Cooper's down to the esplanade and sit with the door wide open, listening to the radio, picking the horses and watching the passing parade. People would stop and talk to him. He liked that.

Our eldest grandson reminded me the other day, of how he used to sit in the van with "granddad" playing cards with the small change Fred kept in a plastic bag in the glove box. Fred always let him win a couple of games so he'd have some money to go home with.

It's a long time since we lived in Semaphore and although it's changed, it's still a bit like coming home.

In the intervening years there have been troubled times, unhappy events and ill health, but happy times too.

There are a lot of memories, too many to recount and as I process them I feel "I'd like to remember the best and let go the rest".

Fred loved much in life and suffered much in health, especially in these last few years. We all felt something of his pain as his personality disappeared into his illness.

It's just a fanciful idea I know, but I'd like to think of him on a beach somewhere - walking.

Thank you for listening.

Fred, born in Middleton, UK in June 1931, died August 2008.

Mateship

2007-06-11T10:09:00.000+02:00

Mateship
None of that poncy rubbish
Are you tired of those noncy friendship poems that sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true mateship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces in this chain-email - just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the bastard(s) who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rip the piss about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you shut the hell up .

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at you - silly bugger.

9. This is my oath... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".

Mateship is like weeing your pants,
everyone can see it,
But only you can feel the true warmth.
Send this to ten of your closest friends,
then get depressed because you can only think of four

Benedict

PS Stolen and propagated off the internet somewhere...

I hate Memes

2007-06-09T13:08:00.000+02:00

Thanks Foilest for this little challenge...
I appreciate the intent and thought, and the Esprit de Corps I just, just, oh I don't know... bah humbug!

1. Seven Things About Me That May Surprise You

1) I like music like The Spice Girls, my favourite is Baby Spice and to demonstrate it's not just a one off I also like B*witched
2) I've eaten KFC in the past week (palm oil and all... "Palm oil is one of the few vegetable oils relatively high in saturated fats (such as coconut oil) and thus semi-solid at room temperature.")
3) I also like broccoli
4) I don't like beer (that's it I'm out of the blokes club!)
5) I pick my nose when you aren’t looking.
6) In the A(distinction) B(credit) C(pass) D(borderline pass) U(unsatisfactory) scale, I got a D in English in year 11 (16 yo), and
I think I only got that because I got As and B+s in everything else. (Just don't tell me that this is so obvious from my prose)
7) I have been sacked from a job for unconscionable conduct

2. List out your top 5 favourite places to eat at your location
Maybe it should be specified pre-kids, with kids or post-kids?
Mind you doctors do get to have cushy dinners paid for by pharmaceutical companies for "educational" events.
1) Duthy Thai (although it has changed hands since it's hey-day when they knew me by the sound of my voice when I phoned)
2) Chloe's (very orthodox international cuisine, but consistent, lovely mansion with several rooms)
3) Russell's Pizza, Friday nights only, always something radical...
4) Cafe Violetta (vegetarian Sicillian food) - alas no more...
5) Home, the Boss is a damn fine cook....

3. Tag 5 other people...
instead I thought I might list...
5 URLs discussing Blogs and Memes

First, all that is Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meme
Tracking information epidemics
All Hail Eris!, Hail Discordia!
In the name of Blog-Science
More-on blog tag
http://www.gottaquirk.com/post/202/5-reasons-why-blog-tag-sucks

Stolen from others

2007-05-12T18:55:00.000+02:00

This post is very Derivisivicist(sp?),
Happy Birthday Foilest,
You, Sarah and Mrs Benedict are all Tauri - I think it says something, but not sure what.

Benedict

Zen Guide to Life by Maharishi Fattifatbastard

∆ Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just fuck off and leave me alone.
∆ The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
∆ The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
∆ Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
∆ Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
∆ Remember, no one is listening until you fart.
∆ Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.
∆ Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
∆ If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
∆ Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
∆ If at first you don't succeed, so much for skydiving.
∆ Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
∆ Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
∆ If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
∆ Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.
∆ Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
∆ Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
∆ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
∆ A closed mouth gathers no feet.
∆ There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
∆ Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
∆ Never miss a good chance to shut up.
∆ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
∆ When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse
∆ The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.

They* are coming for us next...

2007-03-18T11:30:00.000+01:00

Hey BJ you are more paranoid than I am, I think you should read this...

As the new frontier is slowly settled, first comes the money, then came the lawyers and then came the rules

from Medpundit
comes This story Is Dr. Blogger telling too much?

A surge in medical blogs gives readers inside info, but critics say the diaries threaten patients' privacy
March 14, 2007
BY MARGARITA BAUZA
FREE PRESS BUSINESS WRITER
As the rage of Internet blogging spreads across professions, doctors' observations and opinions about patients -- some expressed in graphic detail -- are now ending up on the Web for all to see.
Hundreds of doctors across the country are writing Internet diaries that sometimes include harsh judgments of patients, coarse observations and distinct details of some cases.
Advertisement

Critics say the blogs cross into an ethical gray area and threaten patient privacy while posing liability risks for health workers and their employers.
.....

Not so Cheers
Benedict

* Lawyers, accountants and politicians

It must be my turn

2007-02-25T16:17:00.000+01:00

Well I'm buried deep in bloody medical-legal reports. Where else but family medicine/general practice would one be expected to write a comprehensive report (with medicologal ramifications including the potential to end up in court, well no never actually ended up in court yet, dates keep getting deferred, moved courts, dropped, claims accepted etc., but that doesn't mean I still haven't blocked off a half or whole day from seeing patients on that day - sigh) for AUD$57 with a 10% bonus if done within 7 days of the original request!.

Well I saw these wrist bands - I must say they appealed

Bleak Wristbands
All those bright rubber bracelets are so darned positive and life affirming. Don't any of those trendy folks that wear them ever have a bad day? Well, these bracelets are perfect for any day that is less than perfect. Wear one and you could be the tiny storm cloud in someone else's sunny day.

The solution "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers"

If you don't believe me about the moral vacuum of a person who could argue the side of the devil for the turn of a coin* have a read of a A lawyer's interpretation** of shakespeare's famous quote "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers"

Benedict
Outdone, outplayed, outlasted by lawyers***

* horribly misquoted from the bowels of my memory - even Google can't find it, I think it is something from “Law is a Bottomless-Pit, it is a Cormorant, a Harpy, that devours every thing” by John Arbuthnot

** If you go to the page, did you notice the lovely decor in his rooms? that wouldn't come cheap, image a doctor's office looking like that!

*** Probably outlast cockroaches
Q: What do you call a male lawyer with an IQ of 60 who is wearing a black dress? A: Your honour.

Postsecret

2007-01-29T14:14:00.000+01:00

Dunno why but this one got to me...

see Post Secret

Benedict

Woolworths' ceo pledges support for drought reflief

2007-01-15T12:22:00.000+01:00

About a recent viral marketing campain:

Woolworths' ceo pledges support for drought reflief (yes the page really is mis-spelled)

Actually help the farmers by boycotting the Duopoly (Coles-Myer and Woolworths). Both of whom are buying farm produce at very low cost, using the "drought" and farmer's desperation to sell stock etc... by offering very low prices that is not being reflected at the till in the supermarkets. Better to help the farmers by buying from the Central market or places like the Sunday Farmers Market!.

Duopoly power articles
"'Duopoly' blamed for prices" http://www.news.com.au/sundaymail/story/0,23739,21011586-3102,00.html
http://alertandalarmed.blogspot.com/2005/03/woolies-play-bully-again.html
From the Replies in this blog
1: Liquor profits are not being donated.
2: Supporting small towns like Beaufort, which is where the Rainbow Serpent Festival will be held has prioroty over supporting large multi-nationals that will get their donations reimbursed at Tax time.

Actually there isn't much in the press online, I wonder what Woolies' advertising budget is like?

Farmer's Markets in SA - including the one in Adelaide (at the Showgrounds every Sunday morning) Or even better your local area)
Or on thingy.. with a drought tag

Benedict

PS Please pass this on!
PPS see B2C in this explaination of viral marketing
PPPS So spend $100 at Woolworths and they will pass on $3 (estimate) after "costs"
and why pick a Tuesday the slowest day of the week- what about a late night Thursday just before the long weekend?
PPPPS Am I the only one that sees this as a cynical marketing exercise given the recent bad press the duopoly have been getting?

Christmas Carols for...

2006-12-07T12:00:00.000+01:00

To go with the psychiatric hotline help service comes

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR .....

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets
and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees
and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open
Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm
Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the
Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells,

Tell the patient the answer may fix her problem today, show them how to research the answer may fix her problems for a lifetime?

2006-12-06T15:05:00.000+01:00

Dear Editor Belfast Telegraph,
Having just read a story in your online paper... (referred from the 6Minutes website) I read your Belfast Telegraph article "I Dread the Web Surfing Patient" .

The author, Mr Curtis sounds very much like a surgeon and promulgates the usual derogatory ideas of the status of General Practitioners sic:

"Broadly speaking, hospital specialists (such as myself ) tend to be less fazed by the internet-savvy patient than our colleagues in general practice."

As a General Practitioner (albeit, in the antipodes, far away from Mr Curtis) I found this article demonstrative of many problems in Medicine and why patients tend to prefer CAM, quactitioners, snake oil salesmen with charm and something to sell and doctors that are approachable and have reasonable interpersonal skills (usually female).
For example, I refer to the part of your article about the error between bupropion and buprenorphine, I can only imagine the doctor's hubris in opening his esteemed BNF! It is just a book as far as the patient would be concerned. I can just visualise the doctor stating something like "See!, I am right! and you are wrong and stupid". Therefore, I am not surprised the patient responded negatively and was even more deeply cemented into his own opinion.

As for the denigration I felt was expressed toward sufferers of mental health conditions, some of the most interesting discussions I have had have been trying to convince some that they may have an Axis II condition, eg "Borderline Personality".
This is typically used in a derogatory sense like Supratentorial (all in the head), GOMER and FITH syndrome(F###ed in the head). When we (the patient and I) go through the Wikipedia on "personality disorder" and actually follow links with the bits they feel correspond to themselves, it can be amazingly heartening. With some insight and a little Googling, it is amazing what an interested and engaged patient can come up with.
This old saying comes to mind “Give a man a fish; you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime”—Author unknown.
Tell the patient the answer may fix her problem today, show them how to research the answer may fix her problems for a lifetime? - BenedictXVI

The role of the doctor is to be not intimidated and defensive about the patients understanding (or even misunderstanding)
but to congratulate them on their enthusiasm to understand their own health, and perhaps be a bit of a teacher, and show them how to learn and use the resources they have (like broadband). If a doctor cannot outperform a diagnostic algorithm perhaps they deserve to be obselete?

And as a specialist I would expect you to be able to clearly* explain why a particular type of suture would not be appropriate, and not just reply with "Well, who is the doctor here"**
As a generalist, and not a specialist, I do spend a lot of time explaining why perhaps DTC, pharmaceutical company and special interest (pressure) groups information is at times not the best advice available.

Please please forward this on to Mr Curtis, he sounds like many of the old Consultants I experienced in Medical School!

Cheers
Benedict XVI

* and sympathetically
** Hearsay only, but a patient described a particular specialist surgeon to have said "Well who is the doctor here" in response to a serious concern they had about stents versus CABG, and with recent data all I can think is that perhaps the patient was right and the specialist less so!

Big Ted and Jemima had better look out...

2006-12-04T14:14:00.000+01:00

So will they be axing PlaySchool next?
Maybe they should just rename the ABC to The Ministry of Truth?*

No so Cheers
Benedict

* Except Rupert has probably already claimed that domain name?

=====================================================

From: "ABC Corporate_Affairs2"
Date: 04 December 2006 15:11:29 GMT+11:00
To:
Subject: The Glass House

Dear Mr Viewer

Thank you for your email regarding The Glass House.

After more than five years, 218 episodes and much consideration, ABC Television has made the decision not to commission The Glass House in 2007. We believe that the program has done what ABC does best - bringing new talent to the screen and giving them the opportunity to create and deliver cutting edge topical satire.

The ABC is proud of the outstanding job The Glass House team has done over the past five years. However, we feel it is time to develop new programs and explore other opportunities within the genre.

The ABC has several new comedy shows in development and others commencing production and we hope that you will enjoy these programs as much as you have enjoyed The Glass House.

We would like to assure you that the ABC will maintain its commitment to bringing its audience the best in new and fresh satirical comedy. Your support for The Glass House is valued and your comments have been brought to the attention of ABC Television.

Yours sincerely

Lucy David
Audience and Consumer Affairs

Missives from on High

2006-12-04T12:08:00.000+01:00

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour that was going on. So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

?

?

?

Okay, just wondering; I didn't get one either...

Benedict

PS In a bit of a weight lull at the moment... sigh, It's just redistributing itself, I am just going to keep telling myself that.

God doesn't believe in Athiests

2006-11-24T13:42:00.000+01:00

GK Chesterton said "there are only two kinds of people; those who accept dogmas and know it, and those who accept dogmas and don't know it.", how about a third type, Athiests who run the dogma over in their karma ...

Researched* with thanks to Beep Beep and her original source A.C. Grayling in the Guardian Unlimited

Benedict

* Plagiarism is stealing from one author, research is stealing from many

Plateau

2006-11-22T15:01:00.001+01:00

Okay - so I haven't lost weight in the last week (as I swish down the last tim tam with a rather nice red...)
however I was inspired by this site.
Bugger the high triglycerides, so what if my HDL is less than my IQ.... I am fat and I am proud...
and the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance

is the Answer...
PTL it is not my fault my BMI hovers around 35-36, it is yours, I am fat and happy (arghh damn cramp speading from my chest up my left shoulder, into my neck and down my arm, just like a damn elephant sitting on my chest...)

Remember Fat is not a Four letter word! (direct from NAAFA), and it isn't their fault they are just trying to make money.

All Hail the Fat god
In Saturated Fats we prey.

Benedict

Plateau

2006-11-22T15:01:00.000+01:00

BMI 36 and falling

2006-11-04T14:34:00.000+01:00

2 more kilos down.
BMI 36.

and the bruising is almost all gone, If I can only get Little Benny to stop dive-bombing on my abdomen!

I saw one of my patients today who had a band put in 3 weeks before I did, he also knew I was going for the band.
He presented because his abdominal and back pain was getting worse and there was a 3 cm diameter red swollen patch around the portal site. He is NIDDM and gets acute on chronic pancreatitis.... Bloods WCC 17xE+05 (94% neuts with reactive lymphocytes and a shift to the left), CRP 75 ESR 128 - too bad the surgeon who ordered the bloods 3 days ago didn't actually check them (or bother to cc a copy to me - are you taking notes here my specialist colleagues?) !!!! Reminds me, I had better phone the surgeon on Monday (it is about midnight Saturday at the moment maybe I should phone him now?)* Actually I might wait until I find out of the patient survived the weekend or not.

This means his portal site (where the band gets inflated or deflated) is infected, this means his band probably had to come out, and his morbidity is pretty damn high and that is before the laparoscopic/open surgery to remove everything and then the barrage of antibiotics etc...

It is a stark reminder of what can go wrong with surgery and how bloody lucky I have been!

Thinking of you BJ**

Benedict

* Q. What is the difference between God and a Surgeon? A. God doesn't think she is a surgeon***

** in a blokey, macho way of course!

*** (actual conversation heard between two cardiothoracic surgeons after a successful CABG without the consultant being there) "Q. What is the difference between God and a Cardiothoracic Surgeon? A. God wishes he was a Cardiothoracic Surgeon"
(I kid you not!)

Does this mean I wouldn't be allowed to wear my Port Power Tie?

2006-10-28T04:36:00.000+02:00

From

BBC News
Thanks Arbroath.

Novelty socks ban plan for medics

Doctors, nurses and health visitors in Lancashire could be banned from wearing novelty socks to work.
The proposed ban is part of a uniform policy which would also stop staff from having tight clothes, unusual hairstyles or excessive tattoos.

The East Lancashire Hospitals NHS Trust said it wanted a "corporate image which presents a professional and business-like approach".

But a Conservative MP has labelled the policy "completely daft".

Lynn Wissett, director of clinical care, said: "Many of our staff work with very sick or dying patients and the policy is intended to make sure that our staff present a professional image at all times.

"Our staff and members of the public have told us is that we need to spell out clearly what is and isn't acceptable in relation to personal appearance, dress, grooming and hygiene."

'Silly socks'

Ms Wissett added that the trust would adopt a "common sense" approach to such issues.

The board met to discuss the issue on Wednesday but Nigel Evans, Conservative MP for the Ribble Valley, said the policy "should not be a priority for the NHS".

"I would have said that in children's wards it would be compulsory to wear silly socks," he said.

"I think people would prefer to see happy doctors and nurses - it's dictatorial and it's over the top.

"It's completely daft, this cannot be a priority for the NHS."

BMI 37 and falling

2006-10-27T08:03:00.000+02:00

My main problem is I have to eat so damn slowly, no such thing as 5 minutes at lunch time between phone calls and patients to scarf* down a sandwich... And remembering to drink 10 minutes or more before a meal, I keep forgetting, so I get thirsty during a meal, and then I am supposed to wait another 30 minutes before drinking any fluid. This is made even worse by my habit of drowning the soups in Chilli power.

I have been eating just about everything, at least until my neighbour out the back, Mrs Hat, gave me a kick up the pants and reminded me why I went through this damn operation!
In fact, I do not think I'll tell the dietician this one, but the only other thing aside from french fries (previous post) that has caused me even the slightest discomfort was a meat pie
(I was conducting an experiment, I used to be a research scientist - work with me here???)
I had about three mouthfuls of mostly meat but including some pastry, and I could feel it just sitting in my oesophagus, from the discomfort in my back between the shoulder blades. It just sat there.
In the end I didn't exactly vomit, I regurgitated it and there was absolutely no acidic taste to it, so clearly it hadn't gotten into the stomach properly. Nothing else has caused me any discomfort whatsoever, no sense no feeling I suppose.

BMI now 37, the lowest I have been in 11 years!
An encouraging sign is that all my clothes are getting loose on me...

On the subject of fat, I was reading this article following a link from Arbroath's Blog, and it reminded me of when I found in an old chemistry catalogue book, that you could buy something called Depot fat, guaranteed rendered from humans.

Toodles
-
Increase success by lowering expectations
57) Ignorance: It's amazing how much easier it is for a team to work together when no one has any idea where they're going.

* A word stolen from Bronze John, is that how you spell it?

Did you ever stop and wonder...

2006-10-17T16:18:00.000+02:00

Recently - someone emailed me this, I was feeling particularly pedantic, and I have included my replies...
Benedict

Did you ever stop and wonder...

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Nah, they would have seen the calves drinking, and people would have seen babies being breast fed and put 2 and 2 together.
Actually Goats and Sheep were milked long before cattle. Indeed there is evidence that Kuhbla Khan's secrets to cross the Mongolian desert was they drank their horses milk and the horses ate the grasses of the Steppes.

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Again, birds eggs are seen widely in nature and very much treasured source of food for indigenous population, and IF you have had live young of your own, you would know that they do not quite come out of the bum.
However the first person to try oysters naturale... (ewwww!)

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When I worked in my father's butchers shop when I was a kid, the freezers all had lights, but they had to be protected from the cold cos they would shatter when they turn on (indeed when coming in on Mondays the light in the walk in fridge would often shatter, and it had its own catcher, so no glass would get on the meat). So you would get this dull light from a light inside a thick plastic enclosure. Indeed a few modern freezers (big ones not small household ones) often have lights behind glass in a vacuum sealed space or use fluoros. Some new freezers have diode type lights that do not have the same sensitivity to cold/heat shock.

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Out of courtesy, people don't like their doctors "perving" at them as they undress, actually I would prefer to watch as I get useful clinical information out of the way people move, I try to always watch people get up and walk into my room when they come in to see me. So the covering is for patient modesty, we certainly are less couth when the patient is unconscious in the operating theatre.

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs?

Here's an excerpt from the Disney site:
Goofy was created as a human character, as opposed to Pluto, who was a pet, so he walked upright and had a speaking voice (first supplied by Colvig, and later by George Johnson, Bob Jackman, and Bill Farmer).
http://disney.go.com/vault/archives/characterstandard/goofy/goofy.html

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

This has been answered in detail several times in various journals.
I should do a quick google, but I remember a series of New Scientist articles, including "the last word" on this about 5-6 years ago. In summary, if the blind person has never seen, then other senses recruit much of the brain to assist, so they often have good hearing ability (eg recognise 2 or 3 or more songs played simultaneously, you try it - its hard) and apparently can dream in non-visual ways, one explanation I read about was tactile dreams, "seeing" the room and faces by touch...
If they have had vision - even as young as a few months, then they may well dream in images, and the older they are when they lose sight the more visual the dreams are. So if people are blind at age 80 their dreams are usually primarily visual.

If you want to see a serious treatise check this out http://psych.ucsc.edu/dreams/Library/kerr_2004.html

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!)

Well if you go on pattern recognition the answer is testical, which is a homophone for testicle.
If semantically correct the answer would be testing (imperfect present tense or present particible)*

And stolen from Yahoo Answers - (I really liked this one)
"quizzes are precursors to tests. Tests are the end action to tabulate what you know"

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Oil out of the ground which is likely derived from huge algae blooms buried millions of years ago, and may be called petroleum oil or even petroleum jelly (depending on viscosity). So if the product (type of oil) is named by origin it should be corn, vegetable, petroleum if named by function then cooking, frying and baby, respectively.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
from some online dictionary I forget where
Noun
morality
1 The ability to distinguish good and evil or right and wrong, right or good conduct.
2 Ethics, motivation based on ideas of right and wrong.

When it comes to things religious, I suspect the answer is yes!

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

It was quite common for nursery rhymes to have similar tunes, their origins quite often derived from bawdy tunes and musical criers for contemporary events (like bah bah black sheep about the farmer complaining of paying taxes to their lord and to the church and only keeping a third themselves)

Stop singing and read on...

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Yes, unless one is trying to construct sentences, or someone is a very bad dyslexic, then they are usually able to read basics, especially the alphabet, so as an educational tool to help with familiarity of patterns (recognition) then they may well get even more benefit.

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

If you stick your face close enough to a dog even without blowing it is likely to provoke them. If the dog is very close to you (emotionally) they may even like you blowing on their face, I remember an old ex-gf who had a sooky lapdog who loved it when she blew on its face (initially to get its hair out of its eyes but then it continued on out of habit) but if you got to close while blowing snotfeatures** (it was an inbred King Charles with a really bad sinus problem, I was surprised it could breath at all) it would also snap. Indeed it was fun oscillating the distance between me and the dog to see it change moods rapidly...

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

No, but it distracts you for some time and allows venting of frustration so helping pass the time until the elevator gets there. In fact Edward De Bono (the lateral thinker who uses the different coloured hats) had a solution to some Japanese high-rise problem with only 4 elevators and people getting impatient waiting for the lifts - and this was a common problem in the 70s with taller and taller skyscrapers having to fit more elevators in and therefore creating more dead-space... His solution was to install mirrors on the outside of the elevators so people were too busy checking out others and preening themselves to even notice the greater time for the lifts to arrive.

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

That one has got me stumped

Cheers
Benedict

* I was a research scientist, I know how to write in the passive tense, I can put insomniacs to sleep.
** or snort-fiend or ... I can't remember but the bloke the ex- dumped me for had even more names... last I heard of her she married some other bloke, and had a German shepherd as best man!

PS Any Wikipediac, feel free to add this ad libitum to the 'pedia, if you feel so inclined.

Gastric Banding

2006-10-15T19:43:00.000+02:00

Dear Reader,

A break from gleaming interesting snippits from the web, as there are always those who do it so very much better.

Inspired by Lockjaw's story of weight loss (you will have to listen to his podcasts), here is mine about Gastric Banding.

Here is my story - BMI 41 prior to using Optifast and KicStart. The latter tastes less worse and available in Coffee flavour... Hint #1 - I found adding Benefiber helped to make the shakes creamier and more filling. Hint #2 - Coffee (well Caffeine - Sorry all you LDS'ers ) is good....

The gastric banding was interesting! From the Fluoroscopy I was so full of gas (CO2 I presume) that I ached from both my shoulder tips. In the fluoroscopy it was interesting to see the intraperioneal gas - it was "frothy"... I would not have picked that up from the static xrays or from my research prior to having a lap-band.

I am still getting L) shoulder tip pain!!!!

The Anaethetist had some interesting ideas, post operatively, it is apparently important not to vomit (and risk a perforation or displacement of the gastric band) he wanted to avoid using opioids. So in surgery he apparently likes to add Clonidine to the mix and therefore maximising the analgesic effect of the perioperative fentanyl with out post-operative opioids. I have to admit I used absolutely no opioids post-operatively (I know it is only an N=1 trial, non-blinded).

One fellow "Band"it undergoing surgery at the same time, she is 51, Insulin Dependent Type 2 (42 IU of sustained acting insulin a day and about 10 of immediate acting insulin) She stated that the shoulder tip pain was just like when she had angina (LAD stented last year).

Currently it is taking about an hour to have lunch or dinner, I'm supposed to be on a liquid diet (anything that will go through a straw). Well toast isn't too bad in soup (Bread esp. white bread is supposed to be bad) and as long as I chew it thouroughly meat seems to be okay, cashews were okay, but chips (esp fast food crap ones) really really causes indigestion (Yes BJ I am sure you would have known just that!!)

Doc: (to the surgeon who did the op) or the dietician who works with him, If you think that your patients are not going to challenge the limits of the band and what can be tolerated, well... I have this bridge I need to sell real cheap, Jesus died for you sins and the check is in the mail, and John Howard really is the hero of the Working Classes.

I am sick of custard and canned soups.

A really good example of what is required and recommended can be found in this booklet .

I lost about 4 kg pre-surgery, but I couldn't do the ketosis thing (using Kickstart or Optifast). I got so sick - coincidence??? the two times I got to 3 days (aborting it the first time was interesting, it took about 750ml of sugary soft-drink).

So - 4 weeks ago - BMI 41
Last week prior to surgery - BMI 39 (well if I relied on the hospital's scales BMI of 36)
Now BMI of 38.

Let me know if you think it is worthwhile for me to continue? (I mean I am not as eloquent as BronzeJohn).

Cheers
Benedict

Whadda-I do now?

2006-10-06T11:52:00.000+02:00

I thought I would pinch a bit of this article from the Short Shart Science blog, from New Scientist, especially since it is about my mundane world namesake....

Thursday, October 05, 2006
Time to go, limbo.

Goodbye limbo, it was fun while it lasted. And it lasted a while – since the Middle Ages. The concept of limbo – the place where dead children go if they die without being baptised – has been abolished by Pope Benedict XVI.

Read on...

Usenet and Australian Cultural Migrant Entrance Exam

2006-07-31T16:30:00.000+02:00

It has been a long time since I last prowled the halls of Usenet:aus.jokes!

In the news recently it has been suggested by the current govt in Oz that migrants should be required to pass an Australian cultural test before being allowed to emigrate here, that way we can happily prejudice against the slope heads and the nig-nogs without actually calling it that (shhhh don't tell anyone but I mean racist) see Australia’s settlement services for refugees and migrants briefing statement at http://www.aph.gov.au/library/intguide/sp/settlement.htm where the Netherlands model is discussed.

below is a sneak preview of the likely exam....

These are the questions the Australian Officials at Lebanon are asking passport holders before letting them on a boat :

Australian Government
Department of Immigration and Multicultural and Indigenous Affairs
Application for Grant of Australian Citizenship

You must answer 75% (28 or more out of 37) of these questions correctly in order to qualify for Australian Citizenship

1. How many slabs can you fit in the back of a Falcon Ute while also allowing room for your cattle dog?

2. When packing an Esky do you put the ice, or the beer, in first?

3. Is the traditional Aussie Christmas dinner:
a) At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, followed by a pudding you could use as a cannonball. Also ham. In 40C heat.
b) A seafood buffet followed by a barbie, with rather a lot of booze. And ham. In 40C heat.
c) Both of the above, one at lunchtime and one at dinnertime. Weather continues fine.

4. How many beers in a slab?

5. You call that a knife, this is a knife.
True or False?

6. Does "yeah-nah" mean
a) "Yes and no"
b) "Maybe"
c) "Yes I understand but No I don't agree"?

7. The phrases "strewth" and "flamin' dingo" can be attributed to which TV character?
a) Toadie from Neighbours
b) Alf from Home & Away
c) Agro from Agro's Cartoon Connection
d) Sgt. Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers?

8. When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages
a) Once or twice
b) As often as necessary to cook
c) After each stubby
d) Until charcoal?

9. Name three of the Daddo brothers.

10. Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC?

11. Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon:
a) Drinking beer at a mate's place
b) Drinking beer at the beach
c) Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy
d) Drinking beer at a mate's place while watching the cricket before going to the beach?

12. Would you eat pineapple on pizza? Would you eat egg on a pizza?

13. How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from Australia to England?

14. How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana travelling at 120km/h?

15. Who are Scott and Charlene?

16. How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie?
a) Squirt and spread with finger
b) Sauce injection straight into the middle?

17. If the police raided your home would you:
a) Allow them to rummage through your personal items
b) Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain
c) Put a written complaint in to John Howard and hope that he answers it personally?

18. Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking a yardie full of beer the fastest?

19. Have you ever had/do you have a mullet?

20. Thongs are:
a) Skimpy underwear
b) Casual footwear
c) They're called jandals, bro?

21. On which Ashes tour did Warney's hair look the best?
a) 1993
b) 1997
c) 2001
d) 2005

22. What is someone more likely to die of:
a) Red Back Spider
b) Great White Shark
c) Victorian Police Officer
d) King Brown Snake
e) Your missus after a big night
f) Dropbear?

23. How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional four-burner barbie?

24. Can you sing along to Cold Chisel's Khe Sanh?

25. Explain both the "follow-on" and "LBW" rules in cricket and discuss the pros and cons for the third umpire decisions in the latter....

26. Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ.

27. Who is current Australian test cricket captain:
a) Ricky Ponting
b) Don Bradman
c) John Howard
d) Makybe Diva?

28. Is it best to take a sick day on:
a) When the cricket's on
b) When the cricket's on
c) When the cricket’s on?

29. What animal is on the Bundaberg Rum bottle?

30. What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer?

31. What are Budgie smugglers?

32. What brand and size of Esky will you be purchasing?

33. Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice?

34. A "Hoppoate" is:
a) A breed of kangaroo
b) A kind of Australian "wedgie"
c) A disgraced Rugby League player?

35. What does having a 'chunder' mean?

36. When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing set?

37. What does the terminology 'True Blue' mean?

Your Score

For Office use only.
. In
. Out
. Can have another crack at it

Outsourcing continues

2006-07-05T13:55:00.000+02:00

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America would be outsourced to India as of June 30,2006.

The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.

"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office (GAO), has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively.

"We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination.

Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the office of President as of March 25th.

Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position.

He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff.

Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open.

"Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem because Bush is not familiar with the issues either.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern.

Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all.

"We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years."

Mr. Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation.

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment.

Following a two week waiting-period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks.

Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition.

According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience.

A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and phony smile.

Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, Texas for a month, before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited.

"I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop.

Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from locals.

From the internet
Cheers
Benedict

Papal recognition

2006-06-12T10:22:00.000+02:00

So GWB* can't have been wrong, even the pope approves!

From http://wings.buffalo.edu/aru/preprohibition.htm
Vin Mariani was the leading coca wine. This advertisement features an endorsement from Berthelier, a popular late 19th century actor. The caption immediately below the photograph reads, "Your marvelous Tonic needs certainly no further recommendation as everyone is familiar with it, and no one would be without it. I claim 'VIN MARIANI' can have no equal; it will live forever." The caption also proclaims "over 7,000 written endorsements from prominent physicians in Europe and America" and that the product has had acclaim for 30 years. (From Harper's Magazine, March, 1894.)

Here is one of my favourite old pharmaceurical ads...

Benedict

* eg for one of about 2,000,000 matching google items see http://www.realchange.org/bushjr.htm#cocaine

V for Vendetta

2006-05-13T15:44:00.000+02:00

Best damn movie I have seen in a very long time....
Benedict

Remember, remember, the fifth of November,
The gunpowder treason and plot.
I know of no reason why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.

Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes,
'Twas his intent
To blow up the King and the Parliament.

Poor old England to overthrow.
By God's providence he was catch’d
With a dark lantern and burning match.

Holloa boys, holloa boys, let the bells ring.
Holloa boys, holloa boys, God save the King!
Hip hip hoorah!
Hip hip hoorah!

A penny loaf to feed ol' Pope,
A farthing cheese to choke him.
A pint of beer to rinse it down,

A faggot of sticks to burn him.
Burn him in a tub of tar,
Burn him like a blazing star.

Burn his body from his head,
Then we'll say ol' Pope is dead.
Hip hip hoorah!
Hip hip hoorah!

Up against the wall when the revolution comes

2006-04-01T13:59:00.000+02:00

Top 5 of my choices for who would be up against the wall when the revolution came
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sirius_Cybernetics_Corporation

5 Al Quaeda's Osama bin Laden - for helping George Bush win a second presidential term

4 Ronald Reagan - The Neocon who started the path to armageddon, -"For the first time ever, everything is in place for the Battle of Armageddon and the Second Coming of Christ."--- Ronald Reagan

3 GWB - The Antichrist. Or "A strong president should have a strong running mate, that's why GWB chose Dick Cheney"

2 John Howard, not evil as such, simply a soul-less, heartless power-lusting ....
He is a Fucking Cunt. See the pdf file, page 2, I have the song available if anyone is interested (MP3). If anyone has the actual lyrics...

Remember

SeivX
10 Point plan on native title
The Never Ever GST
Sedition Laws
His astute wit (A podcast - don't worry it's very short).

and his role in the death of the Australian Broadcasting Commission, the ABC or Auntie, don't get me started on health and industrial relations.

1 Rupert Murdoch - Adelaide* boy and kingmaker, so famous, Dennis Potter named his cancer after Mr Murdoch

* Adelaide: famous for something aside from being the weird sex-crime capital of Australia

Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose

2006-03-28T12:20:00.001+02:00

Tonight I dug up some old song lyrics to sing* to the Benniette,
as I was singing this one from the 60's it made me realise how much things
haven't really changed.
Benedict

* the sort of voice only a 4 yo daughter could love
(even my mother can't stand my singing)

Blowing In The Wind

How many roads must a man walk down
Before they call him a man
How many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand
How many times must the cannonballs fly
Before they are forever banned
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind

How many years must a mountain exist
Before it is washed to the sea
How many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free
How many times can a man turn his head
And pretend that he just don't see
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind

How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky
How many years must one man have
Before he can hear people cry
How many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind
The answer is blowing in the wind

Tagged - Songs for Foilwoman

2006-03-14T14:25:00.000+01:00

1. A track from your early childhood.

Morning Town Train, in reception (4-5 year olds) we used to sing it every morning instead of God save the Queen - that naughty seditious teacher!

2. A track that you associate with your first love.

My Kind of Lady by Supertramp. I used to jump up on her living room table and mime the song, and the record would skip when I jumped off (vinyl - gosh now that dates me!)

3. A track that reminds you of a holiday trip.

Break in the Weather by Jenny Morris

4. A track that you like but wouldn’t want to be associated with in public.

I';m sufficiently embarrassed all I can do is post the first verse and if you can recognise it...

"Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,
So tell me what you want, what you really really want,
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really
really really wanna zigazig ha. "

5. A track that accompanied you when you were lovesick.

Hmmm maybe Everything's on Fire by Hunters and Collectors
or Red Red Wine (UB40's version)

or maybe

Girl Trouble by the Violent Femmes.

or even

A Wide Open Road by the Triffids.

ah music to slash your wrists by....
(I really should add "Comfortably Numb" and yes I did spend a lot of my youth being lovesick)

6. A track that you have probably listened to most often.

According to iTunes it is Cigarettes Will Kill You by Ben Lee, if you count the under 5 performances, it would have to be "Baa Baa Black Sheep".

7. A track that is your favourite instrumental.

Rhapsody in Blue (except that tacky 1988 LA Olympics performance with the 88 Grand Pianos)

8. A track that represents one of your favourite bands.

Waiting for the Great Leap Forwards by Billy Bragg or one of his love songs Milkman of Human Kindness

9. A track which represents yourself best.

Yellow Submarine from some group back in the 60's

10. A track that reminds you of a special occasion (which one?).

H. R. Pufnstuf (check the video clip) my first ever live concert, but I always thought WitchyPooh was just misunderstood!

11. A track that you can relax to..

All Lined Up by Shriekback, it has the funkiest bass line ever (What would you expect from a band with two bass players!).

12. A track that stands for a really good time in your life.

I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) - The Proclaimers.

13. A track that is currently your favourite.

I'm in a bit of a non-musical period at the moment, so pass! If it is the song that most recently got stuck in my head it would have to be "Now We Have To Go" by The Fairies - Have a look at the site Foilest, I think the Foilkid might just like it.

14. A track that you’d dedicate to your best friend.

I couldn't decide between Parry's "I Was Glad" and "My Baby Comes to Me" by Vince Jones and I asked SWMBO and I was told to put this one in, but if I am going to be truly sentimental then Throw Your Arms Around Me by Hunters and Collectors

15. A track that you think nobody but you likes.

The Is The Day by The The.

16. A track that you like especially for its lyrics.

Add It Up by the Violent Femmes

17. A track that you like that’s neither English nor German.

Dragostea Din Tei, especially this version (Needs flash on your browser).

18. A track that lets you release tension best.

Gimme Head by the Radiators

19. A track that you want to be played on your funeral.

It's gotta be Highway to Hell by Accadacca...

And after that as they inject the preservative and put me in a pickle jar I want everyone to file out to this

20. A track that you’d nominate for the “best of all times” category.

Making Your Mind Up by Bucks Fizz
Too Drunk to Fuck by the Dead Kennedys
Death Defying by the Hoodoogurus
Ça Plane Pour Moi by Plastic Bertrand.
Banana Boat Song by Harry Belefonte
Fucking In Rhythm and Sorrow - The Sugarcubes (Björk)

This is for Innana

2006-02-03T13:59:00.001+01:00

I DON'T KNOW THE DOCTOR WHO WROTE THIS, BUT I LIKE HIM ALREADY!

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

_______________________________

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

________________________________

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

________________________________

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

________________________________

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

________________________________

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

________________________________

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

________________________________

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

________________________________

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

________________________________

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

________________________________

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

A good pun is its own re-word?

2006-01-31T12:14:00.000+01:00

Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative (is an optimist B-pos or A-pos?)
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Divorce is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I want one of these

2006-01-06T02:59:00.000+01:00

Can I have one of these?

- Little Benny Boy Blue

The Berkeley lower-extremity exoskeleton (Bleex).

Intelligent Design

2005-12-27T05:52:00.000+01:00

If Intelligent Design is the answer then why do men have nipples?

Curly Qwestions answered

2005-12-08T11:55:00.000+01:00

My Brother, The Ayatollaha Bozorgtarine answered these conundra*

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Answer: Cos some times it does work, honest!

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Answer: Cos they are cold hearted bastards and its just a way of really rubbing it in that they have $Billions and you now have LESS THAN Fuck All

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Answer: It relates directly to the expenditure of energy required to challenge your assertion! No one has the time to count up to 4 billion, and there is no way to prove it. On the other hand ( which now has paint on it) The simple gestureof touching it proves or disproves your theory regarding the wetnesss of the paint in question.

Have you tried the same trick with Super Glue. That is : Smear Super Glue on a painted surface and tell someone it is wet paint. This can be a source of humour for ages or at least until the Fire department arrives.

This also work with the office toilet seat but due to the biological imperative of bowel function, no further incentive is required to induce a person to make contact with that surface.

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
The real answer is that the glue requires contact with air to complete its progress to the stage of "sticking".
A better answer is : Who actually gives a toss as long as it works on the office toilet seat..

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Oh Oh another one ! The real answer is that the needles are new in each case and not re-sterilised (which is the inference implicit here). Would you suggest that to save costs the State could simply re-use the same old blunt syringe time and again. I guess if it got too blunt to penetrate the vein a prison guard could rub it up and down on the concrete floor to hone the edge a bit.

Or, It could be that they want to demonstrate their moral bona fides while committing State sanctioned murder.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Cos Cheetah kept complaining of stubble rash when they kiss!

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Cos he would look stupid with a blood nose! and the blood might mess up the logo on his suit

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
So they wont bump their heads.

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
Some stupid sucker slips essess inside sentences and words surreptiously.

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
And what makes you think WE are not STILL apes?
Just like there are Chimpanzees, Gorillas,Orang Utang and many other "apes" They too evolved and, like us, are STILL evolving. We are one kind of anthropoid among many.
In the same way that birds probably evolved from dinosaurs and other reptiles, so did Crocodiles and Lizards and snakes evolve from Dinosaurs.. Each has taken a different evolutionary path.

If you dont believe me have a good look at your neighbours ! or Rugby Players! However if your neighbour is a rugby player you probably already know this.

(Benedict: Just wait a little bit and there won't be any more apes, and the question will become irrelevant)

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Huh! My Bubble Bath is Pink!

Alternative answer: Cos Michael Jackson has been sending his Chimp to the cosmetic surgeon for skin bleaching.

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
I am not sure about the answer to this one. I will have to sleep on it !

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

You are obviously not a Bloke! Whenever a Bloke goes to the Fridge and then says "what happened to the Chinese Take-away from last night ?", the smart arse female of the household returns to the Fridge with said Bloke in tow - opens the Fridge and voila! The Chinese Take away magically appears. This system is also known to work with socks, jocks and car keys!

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Whats a vacuum cleaner?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

Cos its the wrong end ? If I have this problem I just employ my Teeth on that sucker! But sometimes if the bag does have an opening at the other end from the one you are masticating on, dire consequences may follow. If the item in the plastic bag is an item of food - then Sods Law applies. (See below concerning falling objects)

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Hmmm! That is a curly one! Perhaps they died 'cos they couldn't get out. Either that or it could be an example of phenomena such as spontaneous transmogrification of objects from inanimate to animate and then Parthenogenesis.

( Benedict: 'cos they go in really small, grow a bit, get cooked when the light turns on)

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Cos they are armed with a trolley and have demonstrated that they are prepared to use it WITHOUT provocation. Imagine what they might do after you PROVOKE them!

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Its called "Sods Law". Similar to its Irish counterpart "Murpys Law". For example: Sods Law states that whenever a piece bread and jam falls it will invariably land jam side down. Also see previous question on plastic bags.

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Dont worry it will all sort itself out. With all the energy we are consuming on air conditioning, Global Warming followed by a Third Ice Age are not far way

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
I dont know about that. I hear my father in law joking all the time! In fact some folks less generous than I might suggest that my father in law is a joke!

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

"The whole world is mad except Thee and Me, and even Thee is a little mad!" - Traditional-anonymous
"There's nothing wrong with me, there must be something wrong with you !" - The Audreys

Benedict XVI

* So What is the plural of Conundrum then?

Buit is still ain't science!

2005-11-13T15:08:00.000+01:00

The Pope on Creation

From The New York Times (free subscription required)

By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Published: November 12, 2005
VATICAN CITY, Nov. 11 (AP) - Pope Benedict XVI has waded into the evolution debate in the United States, saying the universe was made as an "intelligent project" and criticizing those who say its creation was without direction.

Benedict's comments, made during his general audience on Wednesday, were published Thursday.

The pope focused on scriptural readings that said God's love was seen in the "marvels of creation." He quoted St. Basil the Great as saying that some people, "fooled by the atheism that they carry inside of them, imagine a universe free of direction and order, as if at the mercy of chance."

Rindercella the Pryslexic Dincess

2005-10-19T14:54:00.000+02:00

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella
worked very hard - frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits and shivelling
shot. At the end of the day she was nucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge and
the other was called Betty Swollocks. They were really forrible uckers and
had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball but the cotton runts
wouldn't let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her
gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light
rucking fesbian.

She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with
six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother
told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise there would be a cucking
falamity.

At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly
the clock struck twelve."For suck's fake!" yelled Rindercella as she ran
out, tripping barse over ollocks and dropping her slass glipper.

Next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly
ister let him in. Suddenly Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a fig
bart.

"Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker
over there," said Mary Hinge. When the brinking stown cloud had lifted the
prandsome hince tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without
success. Their feet stucking fank. Betty Swollocks was ducking fisgusted
and gave the prandsome hince a nack in the kickers.

This was not difficult has he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard-on. He
tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
They were married. The hince lived his life in lucking fuxury and
Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

And they hived lappily ever after...

On a mission from God

2005-10-10T13:40:00.000+02:00

From the Australian Financial Review
http://afr.com/articles/2005/10/07/1128562968352.html

'God told me to invade Iraq'
Oct 07 08:39
PA

US President George Bush has said that he was instructed by God to invade Iraq and Afghanistan, according to a new BBC series.

The claim comes from the first meeting between the US leader, the Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas (also known as Abu Mazen), and his then foreign minister in June 2003.

The ministers say that Bush also revealed to them that he had been told by God to create a Palestinian state.

Former Palestinian foreign minister Nabil Shaath, now the information minister, describes the meeting with the US leader, in the BBC2 program, Elusive Peace: Israel and the Arabs.

He says: "President Bush said to all of us: 'I'm driven with a mission from God.
advertisement

advertisement

'God would tell me, 'George, go and fight those terrorists in Afghanistan'.'

"And I did, and then God would tell me, 'George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq...' And I did.

"'And now, again, I feel God's words coming to me, 'Go get the Palestinians their state and get the Israelis their security, and get peace in the Middle East.' And by God I'm gonna do it."

Abbas, who was also at the meeting in the Egyptian resort of Sharm al-Sheikh, recounts how the President told him: "I have a moral and religious obligation.

"So I will get you a Palestinian state."

A BBC spokesman said the content of the program had been put to the White House but it had refused to comment on a private conversation.

The three-part series charts the attempts to bring peace to the Middle East, from Bill Clinton's peace talks in 1999/2000 to Israel's withdrawal from the Gaza strip.

The program speaks to presidents and prime ministers, their generals and ministers, about what happened behind closed doors as the peace talks failed and the intifada exploded.

Thanks Foilwoman!

2005-09-10T15:08:00.000+02:00

7 things I plan to do before I die:
----------------------------------------------
1. Clean up the dangerous room (thats what the 4yo Benniette calls the computer room).
2. Go to France and try to remember all my high school French
3. Go live in Indonesia (or Iran?) for a year.
4. Get a doof doof set up for my car (4cl Honda)
5. Lose about 30kg
6. Be able to bench press 175 kg again.
7. Dust off and fix up the treddly*.

7 things I cannot do:
------------------------------
1. Take on all the stuff I had planned to do when I turned 30.
2. Make my government care.
3. Learn a new programming language
4. Fill in my Tax Return**
5. Be fluent in Unix.
6. Not gag when trying to change a number 2 nappy (esp. the sloppy coated on sort)
7. Be Pharmaceutical free.

7 things that attract me to the same (or opposite) sex:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. A Nice big pair of..... oh and a pulse (cerebral functioning optional).
2. Intelligence.
3. Not trying to sell themselves
4. Eyes
5. Reciprocation
6. A Sense of the bizarre & not take oneself too seriously
7. Demonstrated ability to put up with me***

7 things that I say most often:
------------------------------------------
1. What?
2. Bugger me backwards with a blunt market vegetable****.
3. Mooooo!*****
4. Where have you hidden the..... (eg remote control, car keys, wallett etc...)
5. Bollocks
6. Your bullets cannot harm me, my wings are like a shield of steel^
7. Such is the railway station^^

7 celebrity crushes:^^^
----------------------------
1. Lalla Ward
2. Daryl Hanna
3. Agnetha
4. Baby Spice
5. Alyson Hannigan
6. Louise Jameson
7. Jadzia Dax

(A bit of a science/fiction/techie type nerd is showing isn't it?)

7 people I want to do this
------------------------------------

1. Innana
2. Lalla Ward
3. Agnetha Fältskog
4. Bronze John
5. Buffy TVS
6. The Foilchild
7. Mr Foilwoman (Thru the eyes of The Foilwoman)

* Deadly Treadly - or bicycle
** Luckily Mrs Benny is an Accountant!
*** Mrs Benny is a Taurean and we all know how stubborn they are....
**** Stolen from Black Adder - actually from the only time the BBC actually objected to a line from the series
***** I tend to do that when stuck in a damned if I do, damned if I don't...
^ Alright so I don't get to say it very often, but I would if I could
^^ Or in French "C'est la gare" not to be confused with "C'est la geurre"
^^^ When looking for pix for this bit I came across this page - must admit I laughed at the Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas one!

How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?

2005-08-31T16:14:00.000+02:00

It started as "How many Christians..."

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

and then I thought of a couple of more

Zen Buddhists: Fish
Athiests: None - it's all dark

then some more gleaned from the 'net...

Q: HOW MANY ZEN BUDDHISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Three. One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change the lightbulb.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.
A: A tree in a golden forest.
A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen
answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
A: None. Zen masters carry their own light.
A: Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the novice.

Q: How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!"

Q: How many Hindus does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to do the puja.
Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.

Q: How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. If the lightbulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and it
would be blasphemy to attempt to change it.

Q: How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 300 million --- one to take out the old one, the rest to look for
Salman Rushdie in the dark.

Q: How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.

A: Nine, one to do it and the other eight to find a leg for him to stand on.

Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two - one to screw it in, and another to repent.
A: Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old
bulb last rites.
A: They don't. It's been like that for 2000 years and there's no precedent
for lightbulb changing.

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.

Anglicans:
Light-bulb changing is placed on the agenda of the National Synod, where
much heat is generated (no light --- the bulb needs changing) in discussion
of the sex and status of light-bulb changers. The anglo-catholics insist
that God has devolved the sacramental office of light-provider (see Genesis
1) onto the ordained male priests of His Church. The evangelicals from the
diocese of Sydney agree that light-bulb changing is the proper province of
males, since the Bible states that not a few virgins (female) allowed
their lamps to go out, thus proving that women can't be trusted in the
realm of illumination. However, they disagree about the exclusion of male
laiety, arguing that since lay-persons are allowed to mend fuses, a
function closely related to the provision of light, there is no reason why
they shouldn't go the whole hog and change the bulb as well.

AWFUL (Anglican Women For Unlimited Light) demonstrates outside the
building, and the debate makes the national daily papers.

Some pragmatists occupying the middle ground suggest that the changing of
light-bulbs is so urgent and time-consuming, and the arguments of the two
factions so debatable, that as an interim measure lay-persons, perhaps
including women, should be permitted to change light-bulbs under the
supervision of a male priest, while the issue is referred to a committee to
report the following year. This is tabled as a motion; however a cautious
evangelical proposes an ammendment to the effect that no light-bulbs shall
be changed until the committee has reported. The ammendment is passed;
the motion as ammended is passed.

The committee never reports, as it meets at night in a church hall
with a faulty light-bulb.

Meanwhile AWFUL and various altar guilds, church cleaners and
Anglican women's groups around the country separately set about laying in
stocks of candles and lighting them wherever needed.

Then the day was saved when a servant-evangelism group from a local
evangelical church showed up while on a light-bulb-changing outreach
project and changed it for them...

Q: How many Politically Correct Clergy does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Politically Correct Clergy do not change light bulbs. They ban
light bulb jokes.

Q: How many Mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six, one to screw it in and the other five to serve refreshments.

Q: How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Don't know - I didn't let them in to find out.
A: None. There is no point trying to change anything now. God will be
replacing the whole house real soon, but nobody knows quite when.

Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to
go back on.

How many Druids does it take to change a lightbulb?
501. One to change the bulb and 500 to align the new stone.

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you want it changed into?

How many toads does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, if you can remember which one used to be the electrician.

How many Frost "School of Wicca" witches does it take to change a light bulb?

"Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our complete "Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course" with real knowledge that you can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYwhere! Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin who..."

How many Wiccans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Four. One for each direction.

How many Asatruars does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The light from the burning monastery is sufficient, thank you.

How many Pagans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that lightbulbs never burned out before those damned Christains came along.

How many lesbian feminist Dianic Wiccans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, and it's NOT FUNNY!!!

How many Alexandrians does it take to change a light bulb?
Thirteen; a High Priestess to change the bulb, and 12 coven members to hold her up under all that jewelry!

and on a similar theme (also stolen from the web)

How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a hell of a lot of light bulbs.

How many Taurus does it take to change a light bulb?
What, me move?

How many Gemini does it take to change a light bulb?
2

How many Cancer does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to bring his mother.

How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.

How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and two engineers to check the work.

How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.

How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They LIKE the dark.

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.

How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
The light's fine as it is.

How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?

How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?

Give us this day our daily chicken

2005-08-22T14:55:00.000+02:00

The CEO of Ingham's Chicken manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope
at the Vatican. After receiving the Papal blessing, he whispers, "Your
eminence, we have an offer for you. Ingham's is prepared to donate
$100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to, 'give us this day our daily chicken.'

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the
Lord. It must not be changed. "Well," says the Ingham's man, "we
anticipated your reluctance.
For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars.
All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us
this day our daily bread to give us this day our daily chicken.'

Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Ingham's guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Ingham's respect
your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will
donate $500 million dollars - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' Please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.

"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news."

"The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million dollars."

"And the bad news, your Eminence?" asks a Cardinal.

"..We're losing the Tip Top Account."

Well that should fix the problem!

2005-05-15T16:21:00.000+02:00

Eat right and exercise, Abbott tells Indigenous people
Federal Health Minister Tony Abbott has advised Indigenous people to "eat better and exercise more" to improve their health.

Speaking about the $170 million in new Indigenous health spending in this week's Budget, Mr Abbott said the key to Aboriginal health was the same as for non-Indigenous Australians.

He says the new funding doubles spending on Indigenous health since 1996.

"It doesn't matter who you are and where you're living, you can always make the conscious decision to eat better and exercise more," Mr Abbott said.

Mr Abbott says there are signs the Government's commitment is starting to work, with deaths from trauma injuries and communicable diseases down in the Northern Territory.

But Aboriginal community development worker Richard Trudgen says it is hard for Aboriginal people to make smart health decisions when they are struggling with unemployment and entrenched social problems, and when they do not understand basic health principles.

"If you've got no purpose to live, you've got nothing to get out there and go for," Mr Trudgen said.

He says Mr Abbott's comments show he does not understand the reality of life in Aboriginal communities.

"From him sitting in his position in Canberra that's probably what most of his advisers would even be saying to him because they know little better," he said.

"It's not just Government ministers at the top, it's those who're even in Aboriginal organisations and Aboriginal health organisations who don't really know the true picture right on the ground."

He says some communities in Arnhem Land are giving canned fizzy drinks to children as baby food because they believe it's "superfood for white fellas".

Mr Trudgen says solutions need to target those kinds of knowledge gaps.

Pope George (Ringo)

2005-05-01T10:18:00.001+02:00

Cardinals Use Electronic Voting Machines to Elect New Pope

George W. Bush Elected Pope ... Cardinals Stunned!
Reported by Monsignor Guido Sarducci

The almost 120 Cardinals from around the world that gathered to choose a successor in the Vatican's Sistine Chapel were stunned and expressed amazement.

Cardinal Mohoney the Vatican spokesperson had this to say...

"We in the conclave are all shocked. We cast our vote's using these new electronic voting machines. The results overwhelmingly favored George W. Bush over all the Catholic candidates. The last Pope, John Paul, was a superb linguist, fluently speaking 11 languages, this one can't speak
fluently in one language. We just don't know what to say."

The White House has announced that Dick Cheney will assume command as President of the world tomorrow morning, when "W' travels to Rome to begin his duties as Pope.

George W. Bush had this to say moments ago as he spoke from the Rose Garden:

"I am honoured to be the spiritual lighthouse, and the first War Pope. I promise Evangelical Catho-licks and Prostates alike that I will be embodied in salvation and fair in the performance of my duties.

I am a Unitifier, not a Divide-a-cater. I am obliged to try to save as many lost souls as I can, at least the Devout Wealthy Elite Souls, as it is well known that Heaven is a very select place, indeed, it is more exclusive than even the best of country clubs. It is a members only Heaven. I may have to put a fence around it.

I will perform miracles in a fair and balanced manner. Just as God used to wipe out entire races of people without warning, burning whole towns of perverts, killing off entire nations, and drowning everybody without a ticket to board Noah's Ark, I shall deliver the world from Evil Empires as I unleash the Apocalypse Wrath of Revelations.

I will ensure the Rapture and the Reunion with our beloved deceased family members and with our departed purebred pets. I will not allow those awful Liberal Sissy Homosapiens to marry each other and I will put and end to the Clergy marrying Choirboys.

I will lead the Crusades against all them towel-headed
heathens-possessed voodoo-hoodoo barbarians who's Pseudo-religions that don't accept the Lord as the Light of Democracy, and who worship fake, made-up gods.

They shall suffer my Godly Conservative Wrath and I will Destroy them with my Cherubic Armies of Angels and they shall burn for eternity in Hell, because Me and God don't take no prisoners!"

(Author Unknown)

The Name he should have chosen

2005-04-28T14:13:00.000+02:00

The new pope should have followed in the footsteps of the 2 previous and
called himself GeorgeRingo the First!

Principality of Tobania

2005-04-21T08:18:00.000+02:00

I just set up this blog so I can post comments on Shy John's blog.